Round 2 Playoff Predictions: Royal Zombie Wedding Edition

I'm proud of myself. I watched a lot of hockey games and managed to accomplish almost nothing in the meantime. Typically I'd feel bad about that, but Playoff season is all about shirking responsiblity in favor of watching grown men in colorful clothes skate around on the ice. So... I guess the NHL Playoffs are strikingly similar to Olympic figure skating.

Also, if you didn't check out my 1st Round predictions you can take a look at them HERE. Since the predictions I made are totally irreverent the content remains amusing.

Anyways, I did pretty damn well in my Playoff Predictions. But you might find yourself saying, "Link, you made all that stuff up and seemed to pick winners totally arbitrarily." My reply to this sentiment is, I can't hear anything your saying because you're not in the same room with me and you don't have my phone number. Some of my highlights were picking Tampa Bay to win in 7 and picking Philly in 8. I consider the Flyers prediction successful because they are handicapped with the three stooges: Brobovsky, Boucher, and Michael "AWOL" Leighton. Overall I went 6 of 8, which reduces to 3 of 4, which means I only got one wrong. Yay me.

Let's move on to my second round predictions

Eastern Conference:

#1 Washington Capitals vs. #5 Tampa Bay Lightning

The Lightning were impressive in the first round overcoming the Penguins Junior Varsity squad in only seven games. If you had stuck Fleury behind the Scarton/Wilkes-Barre I think we would’ve seen similar results. It was good to see Jason Arnott performing up to his ability and managing to get injured a couple of times. It is refreshing to see his celebration avoidance tactics employed around such high-energy celebrators. His continued caution could spell victory for the Caps.

Players to Watch:
  • How much longer is Michael Neuvirth going to keep being so gosh darn adorable? The only reason the Caps were so successful in the first round was because the Rangers didn’t want to shoot pucks at the rookie. 
  • Thankfully Mike Green switched to a professional grade hair gel before he returned to the ice for the Capitals. It is not often when perfectly sculpted hair is the only thing standing between you and a concussion. 
  • I’m always worried about the stamina of Dwayne Roloson. His age may become a factor, and he also may have difficulty handling his teammates constantly begging him to go out and buy them beer. 
  • Martin St Louis may face a disciplinary hearing when it is revealed that his signature yellow stick is actually a magic wand that he uses to enchant the opposition. By disciplinary hearing, I mean he’s going to be called to Dumbledore’s office. 

Prediction: Capitals in 3

Should I mention I’m rolling a D-8 for my picks this round?

#2 Philadelphia Flyers vs. #3 Boston Bruins

Despite being unable to score on the power play the Flyers/Bruins managed to defeat the Buffalo Sabres/Montreal Canadiens in 7 games. Goaltending proved to be a major factor in the series, as many predicted it would. The Bruins can field two starting quality goalies, while the Flyers can start one of whichever of the three goalies that manages to find their way to the Wells Fargo center that night.

Players to Watch:

  • Andrew Ference will continue his shenanigans and make lewd gestures at the Philly crowd in his exuberance after solving the wall that is Brian Boucher. The last anyone will see of him will be emerging from the locker room to head back to the hotel. Flyers fans will have no comment. 
  • Tomas Kaberle will reveal himself to be a sleeper agent for Brian Burke, sent to sabotage the Bruins. 
  • Mike Richards will finally face a suspension after heroically performing an emergency trcheotomy after Greg Campbell chokes on a soft pretzel. 

  • Giroux is going to bring the holligan, rolligan, swolligan, and molligan. This will leave the Bruins feeling confused and in need of a shower. 

Flyers in 7, but a plus one to all save rolls due to Pronger’s return will get the series in 6

Western Conference:

#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #3 Detroit Red Wings

This has become a classic Western Conference playoff series. The eternally dominant Red Wings take on the powerful Sharks, and sparks fly. This time around the Sharks may not get the goal tending they need out of Niemi, but word has it the Sharks will remove all access ramps from the HP Pavilion. Doing so will make the Shark Tank inaccessible to the Red Wing Players’ hover rounds. I’m really going to try and set a record for old jokes in this post.

Players to Watch:
  • Keep an eye on Jason Demers. I always forget what position he plays. If you asked me on the street I would say forward, but I might be wrong. So, someone’ll have to let me know. 
  • The series will be forced to take a break after Kyle Wellwood mistakenly devours Marc-Edouard Vlasic along with a block of swiss cheese. 
  • Jimmy Howard will sign on with NBC to host a late night/early morning talk show. Darren Helm will be his sidekick and Mike Babock will be the producer. The show will be inexplicably successful. 
  • Ilari and Valtteri Filppula will become known as a poor man’s Sedin Twins. And I mean a very, very poor man. 

Sharks take the series in 6

I must say, I’m really losing confidence in these dice….

#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. #5 Nashville Predators 

Teams with bandwagon fans have been rather successful as of late. Both the Penguins and the Blackhawks have one Stanley Cups with the backing of some impressive bandwagons. Now that the Preds are experiencing bandwagoning for the first time in their history, they may have the support needed to jump in the Western Conference Finals. Meanwhile, The Vancouver Canucks proved this year that you can stack a team in a salary cap world. Unfortunately everyone in North America hates the team and their fans, so expect Internet flames wars to rival the on ice action.

Players to Watch:
  • Raffi Torres will beg to be suspended at the end of game one after looking too deeply into the ferocious manliness that is Shea Weber’s beard. 
  • Lee Sweatt will be forced back in the Canuck’s lineup early in order to bolster Vancouver’s limited ability to score on Pekka Rinne. 
  • After the handshake line Jerred Smithson will challenge the Canucks to a double or nothing staring contest. He will win. 
  • Nick Spaling will continue to perform above expecations for the sole reason of forcing Nashville fans to come out with more puns beyond Spals to the Wall and Spals of Steel. 
Predators will win in 5 


Gotten me through many a scrape with bugbears, zombies, and evil squid people.

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